Fatherhood Fun Facts
This collection of Fatherhood Fun Facts has been slowly gathered through life experiences. It is updated with each new lesson.
1. It is easier to change a diaper than to clean the carpet
2. Vomit is not the only thing that can be projectile. There is such a thing as Projectile Poop.
3. Don’t leave a newborn’s bottom uncovered.
4. People are willing to trade food for a chance to look at/hold a newborn!
5. Many of the songs I was sung as a child are incredibly depressing. But they are much richer than the bubbly things popular today.
6. Sleep deprivation leads to hallucinations.
7. Just go along with it if the mother says she is already feeding her baby and insists you go take care of the other crying baby.
8. There is no such thing as “guardian squirrels” and looking under the bed in the middle of the night will not help you find them.
9. Every hospital in the world uses the same receiving blankets. They are all white with light blue and red stripes and they are ragged – there is no such thing as a brand new one.
10. No matter how much a father tries to comfort his child, sometimes he just does not have the right equipment.
11. Babies have the innate ability to know the exact moment you become productive… and then they start crying.
12. The “cuteness” of an outfit is inconsequential if it is hard to put on or requires 2+ steps to access the poop production plant.
13. You should not use the microwave to sterilize teething rings.
14. Its unfair when your body gets used to waking up ever 3-4 hours just when your baby starts sleeping through the night.
15. There comes a time where taking a shower is counted among the day’s accomplishments and eating lunch is an achievement
16. Babies who do not know they want to go to sleep often frustrate adults who do.
17. Babies can only truly understand things once they are able to put them into their mouths.
18. Early attempts at introducing baby food is much more similar to spackling a hole in drywall than to actual feeding.
19. It is best to wait for the grunting to stop before changing the diaper.
20. It is scary to think a child’s understanding of “normal” behavior will come largely from their interactions with their parents (especially for me).
21. Babies can sleep through loud noises and constant jostling, but not the act of laying them down in their crib.
22. You are surprised the first time your baby picks up a bad habit…then you remember who their parents are.
23. There is no such thing as “baby’s first words” just a point when you give them credit for their babbling.
24. There is absolutely no correlation between how hard you work during the day and how the house looks at the end of it.
25. You know your child knows right from wrong when calling their name causes them to run faster towards trouble.
26. There is no sense cleaning the kitchen before a toddler’s meal time — or any room at any time for that matter.
27. Toddlers will gladly put dog food & other non-food items in their mouth, but will still refuse to eat dinner.
28. Every baby gets a million blankets, but its something special when they prefer the old one from your wife’s childhood.
29. Doing tasks with an 18 mo old “helper” takes much longer, but is so worth it!
30. When working on teaching anatomy it is not wise to ask “Where is your nose” followed by “Where is Daddy’s mouth”
31. You will do things you never imagined doing just to help and comfort your daughter if she is in pain. (Let’s just say this FFF deals with constipation and leave it at that.)
32. Apple Sauce is not easy to get out of a computer keyboard.
33. There is no snooze button on a baby monitor and toddlers won’t grant requests for “10 more minutes of sleep.”
34. You spend 6 months trying to teach toddlers words and the next 6 months trying to figure out what they are saying.
35. Potty training happens not when the parents are ready, but when the child is tired of peeing on themselves.
36. Children learning to potty train are not fans of the automatic flushing feature of public toilets.
37. When your child discovers the joys of headphones it’s a good day for all. No more silly songs stuck in your head.
38. The same child can look so sweet at 9am, yet look like pure evil at 3am (and vice versa)
39. One nice thing about your child growing up is you can blame mismatched clothes on “they picked their own outfit.”
40. Being a father to a toddler means not being surprised to find an elmo spoon and eye drops in your shoes.