My vivid dreaming and pleasant slumber is interrupted by the sound of frantic crying heard through the tinny speakers of the baby monitor. I am jolted to consciousness as I suddenly realize my setting and that my daughter is obviously in need of parental comforting.
“What time is it?” I ask my still-groggy wife with a nervous urgency revealing the high stakes that rest on the answer. Early in Mikayla’s life I asked that question because I was sleep deprived and had no sense of time and needed to get my bearings. Later, I asked so that I could gauge how long she was sleeping and how close she was to the magic destination of “sleeping through the night.” Now I ask knowing there is a lot more riding on the answer.
You see Beth and I play a game called Late-night Baby Russian Roulette. In order to share the burden caused by nighttime feedings, dirty diapers and Mikayla’s recent bout with evening gassiness, we have developed a system. Any crying before 1:30am I have to deal to with (since she is probably not hungry) and anything after 1:30 Beth deals with. (Somehow I also ended up with post-feeding post-1:30 crying as well). So now when I ask what time it is, I know the answer can either catapult me out of the warm cocoon of my bed or give me permission to, in good conscious, put the pillow over my head to drown out the sobs as I drift back to sleep. You never know which is in the chamber when the baby monitor goes off.
Last night Beth and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary. We treated ourselves to a progressive meal downtown with dinner at the Bistro, coffee at Spencer’s and a galaxy pie at Mariah’s. We walked around the square and ran into old friends. But mostly, we just enjoyed being with each other. It was great to get out of the house together (My brother and his wife watched Mikayla while we were out) but we both agreed, we have just as much fun sitting at house together watching old Law and Order SVU episodes while playing games.
I think that is what makes our relationship different… and special… and so meaningful. We find our enjoyment together in just being. We don’t have to be doing things, or going places, we take pleasure where ever we are and whatever we are doing. Some people’s relationships are defined by their activities, or by their mutual friends, or by their “accomplishments.” I feel our relationship defines those things for us rather than those things defining our relationship. I feel like we could lose all our possessions and connections and we would still be who we are and our relationship would never skip a beat.
I cannot conceive what my life would be like without Beth. We have been together through every major decision of life: everything from choosing colleges to raising children. We have both said how unbelievable it is that we have been married for 5 years (and dating for over 10). But at the same time, I can’t remember what it was like before, nor imagine life the next 5, 10, 50 years without her.
Yesterday I made a post about how Beth and I have cut our costs and are living simply. In what can only be described as cruel irony, that same day we got word back that our Camry’s engine was blown and would require $1,200+ to put a new one in. [UPDATE: Because Cash for Clunkers intentionally ruined so many working engines, the cost has gone up substantially. The cheapest engine we could find is $1,900 with a total cost of $2,300. Equally disappointing is the fact that we would only get between $100-200 if we tried to scrap it] While we are certainly disappointed (read: pissed) it hasn’t been overly stressful because we have some options. The problem is, no option clearly seems to make the most sense.
Last month my parents gave me an old Chevy S-10 they had not been using. It has low miles (for a ’95) and is great for moving things around. We can fit the whole family in it if we need to, but it is super tight. Also, it is a stick shift, which Beth hates driving.
We also have my Saturn (which 2 weeks ago I was trying to sell and then informally abandoned that idea after the interior somehow became filled with junk after a road trip to Chicago). This car is also a stick shift and is beat to crap. It runs great (with 153K on it) but doesn’t have A/C and the interior is all torn up. Again, the whole family can fit in there but no one is happy.
And then there is the Camry. Camries are supposed to be good cars… what happened? (In case you are wondering… Yes… Beth had made sure there was oil in it). It also has 153K on it and the tranny has some quirks. Oh… and the engine doesn’t work. But, it was a great traveling car, got good gas mileage and the A/C worked.
So what do we do? Here are the options we see:
Scrap out the Camry and go with what we have – Let’s face it, we are extremely fortunately to have an extra car. Beth can drive the Saturn and I can drive the truck and we pocket the few hundred dollars that the junk yard would give us. By far the cheapest option, but Beth hates driving a stick and then we have no car good for traveling.
Scrap out the Camry and buy something else – We could take what little money the Camry brings and perhaps sell the Saturn too and then buy Beth a new car. We save the repair costs, but selling both cars will probably bring in less than $1,500 and then we have to find a reliable vehicle for a decent price. Sometimes the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t know.
Bite the bullet and fix the Camry – We sink $1,200 into a car that is 11 years old and has a quirky tranny. We could sell the Saturn to help pay these costs. We like the Camry and it meets our needs, but I am hesitant to put this much money into a car that is so old. At some point it costs more to upkeep a cheap car than to buy an expensive car. If we do this and then the tranny goes, we are up the creek.
Any of these options would work and we don’t need a long term solution. We are planning on getting rid of all of our vehicles in 2 years when we move to Swaziland. All we need is something to get us up to that time without being a money pit.
So, we need your help. What would you do in this situation? Is it worth fixing the Camry or should we count our blessings and move on?
I was talking with someone the other day about my ability to work at Kaleidoscope without compensation. She was very confused… how could Beth and I support ourselves if I was only working minimal hours a week at a low rate and us practically living on a teacher’s salary. It was easy I told her… we live simply. We drive old cars, don’t buy new clothes, have a modest house and save our money. Unfortunately these simple exercises are entirely foreign to too many people.
In the last year our take home income has decreased by over 30% and we have a new member in the family. At the same time, our savings have gone up and “happiness” has significantly increased. In the last year, my primary job has gone from full time to part time to very part time to no time. Instead of stressing about money, we have actually been able to give more and save more. In fact, since Mikayla has been born, our monthly expenses have continued to drop.
What accounts for this? Have we fired our butler? Have we sold off hidden assets? Have we joined a commune?
Not at all… we have just continued to re-evaluate our priorities and moved towards a simplified life. Time with family is more important than extravagant vacations. Food from the garden is better than eating out. New clothes are not needed when you aren’t trying to impress people who do not even care about you in the first place.
Sure we don’t drive the nicest cars (when they run), and Lord knows we don’t have the slickest attire. We aren’t on everyone’s “Who’s Who” list and we don’t get to experience the newest greatest things, BUT…
We are as happy as we have ever been, we stress less, and the time we spend with family and friends outweighs any possession or experience one could buy. I regularly wake up excited about what the day holds and not worried about what I have to get done. Those things are priceless.
There is no way I could go back to the rat-race of life. In only people knew the peace and happiness that comes from a path of downward mobility…. There is a reason that Jesus told his followers to sell all they have to give to poor. It is not so that the poor can be liberated, but so that the wealthy can.
So far Beth and I have discussed what we like, what we want to accomplish, and a bit about who we are. Today our list of 10 will look at what we like to do. Here are my top 10 favorite activities:
Disc Golfing – I was introduced to disc golfing while I was in college. I love it because it offers an easy escape outdoors, even if only for an hour or two. You can play by yourself or in groups. Best yet… is relatively cheap. You could play ’til your heart was content for $2 if you buy a used disc. For $20-30 you would be well on your way. Compared to my other outdoor activities, this one is by far the cheapest.
Discgolfing with some of Beth's students.
Gardening – Beth and I are on our third year of gardening, and the first in our own backyard. I just got in from harvesting okra, tomatoes, corn and peppers. Here is link to post I wrote earlier, and some pictures of the garden from today.
Rock Climbing – My first experience climbing was in high school at an indoor gym. I ended up buying my own equipment and then getting involved in an outdoors group my Freshman year in college where I got into real rock climbing. In the four years fighting fire in Idaho I expanded my experience. Now I only climb a couple times a year, but I treasure each one. It is not just the activity, but the comradery found sitting around at the bottom of the rocks too.
Climbing in the Bitterroots, circa 2001
Backpacking – I was backpacking before I even knew what it was. I was lucky enough to have parents that valued the outdoors and introduced them to me early. In fact, my first camping trip was before I was a month old (at least that is what Dad says… but his memory is not what it used to be.) I try to have one big trip every couple years, but is has been a few years since I have been out. Just this week I went back through my pictures from a trip to Colorado. Backpacking is one of those things that is fun to prepare for, to do, and to talk about later.
Purifying water while backpacking in Colorado. (The day before we found an outfitter's stash of beer).
Traveling – I have been very fortunate to be able to travel quite a bit in my life. I visited over 30 states in 18 months when I was in college and currently have visited all of the lower 48. I have been to Mexico (kinda), Canada, Costa Rica, Germany, Austria and Italy. I enjoy traveling not only for the experiance, but also because it often forces me to reassess my own understandings of the world.
Conversing with friends over beverages - I enjoy good conversations in relaxed settings. Like the activity above, this includes lots of things. I enjoy talking theology, philosophy, politics, and anything in between. I enjoy good drinks and people who enjoy good drinks.
Being with my family - One of my favorite activities is simply being with my family. Not doing anything in particular… just being. I love a lazy Sunday in a cozy bed, or a evening of talking with my extended family. I feel very natural with my family and am comfortable just hanging out.
Family picture at Kentucky Lake.
Working with my hands – Most of my work is cerebral, whether it is grant writing, or studying, or planning. After 20 years of schooling, and 5 years of jobs mostly made up of life behind a computer, I find great relief in working with my hands. If I get stressed out, I will work in the garage; if I have spent too much time writing grants, I get respite from mowing the lawn. I love my current job at Corsair Artisan Distillery because it includes science, craft, mundane tasks and grunt labor. My time fighting fire was probably my most fulfilling job at the end of the day (but not in terms of long range impact).
Practice Rappells at Moyer in Idaho, circa 2003.
Driving long distances in the car alone – Everyone needs a way to relax and collect their thoughts. Some people golf, some people go for walks, some people journal. For me, the most calming time is driving alone in the car. Often I do this with the windows down and the radio off. When I was in Seminary, I would often leave at 4:30 in the morning and drive 2.5 hours. I would have loved my sleep, but seeing the sun come up while I processed my thoughts was the most therapeutic thing I could do.
Researching – In all honesty, this is probably my favorite activity because it includes so much. I enjoy spending time in the Library combing through old journals and abstracts to find a hidden gem of information for a paper. I love pouring over a map trying to find the best route. I love browsing wikipedia to learn about random things like historic natural disasters, or the standard model of particle physics. I often get into a topic and try to read everything I can about it. I spend hours trying to understand things like PHP so I can edit a blog. And, if I am honest, much of the time I waste tinkering around on the internet is linked to this activity.
Here are 10 things you may or may not know about me. This is list #7 of 10 lists Beth and I are completing. I have tried to include facts from all stages of my life.
I was born in Joseph, Oregon. This city has recently become noteworthy because it is the setting of the New York Times bestseller The Shack. I have also lived in Idaho (4 summers), Wisconsin, and Somerset KY.
I took 2 years of square dance lessons (I even dropped out of boy scouts to do so). I know Basic and Mainstream moves, as well as a few Plus calls. What many people do not know is that Square Dancing is competitive. We would have banners that could be won and defended based on the number of “squares” you could take to another club’s events. There is even a video of me dancing with my lunch lady — as I am sure you can understand, that is in the vault.
I was a Senior in High School before I got more television stations other than PBS. I only had cable the 4.5 years I was in college.
Beth and I attend two of WKU’s greatest sports achievements of the last decade. Their basketball upset of UK at Rupp Arena, and their Div I-AA football national championship. I even have a piece of the field goal posts from that game.
I am directly above Big Red on the far post facing the camera.
I took the ACT three times in High School and my score dropped each time.
When I was in fourth grade I won a scholarship to go to handbell camp. (Yes… I really said handbell camp). The problem was that I had such bad rythm the only thing they could do was put me on the biggest bell (the one that was only rung 1-2 times per song) and then they would point to me when it was my big moment.
Random Picture - the author is not pictured (but did look just as nerdy 17 years ago)
I have never seen the movie Titanic.
My longest relationship before Beth was 3 weeks (Beth and I dated 5.5 years before we got married). I almost broke up with her the first month because I thought she was too good for me and I figured she was about to dump me.
I once drove 28 straight hours on my way home from Idaho. I came in early and wanted to surprise Beth, so I shaved with a straight edge while driving through South Dakota.
I have no problem cleaning the toilets, or changing diapers, but I refuse to put away the Tupperware.
Beth and I are embarking on a 10 day blog series beginning today. Each day we will post a top 10 list covering a variety of subjects from 10 favorite meals to 10 ideas that define us as people.
This first post we are listing top 10 movies.
Now, for my disclaimer: I am not claiming these are the top 10 movies of all time, but rather I am listing 10 movies that, a.) I could watch at any time and be happy; b.) if I only had these movies, I would be satisfied; and c.) have impacted me as a person.
Here is the list (in no particular order):
Shawshank Redemption- A story of perseverance, improvisation and deep friendship. It shows the humanity of those on the edges.
Fight Club – This movie, perhaps more than any other, demands that the view reexamine life and evaluate what is important and what is superfluous.
Top Gun – Considering I have 95% of this movie memorized, it had to make the list.
Gandhi – One of the most inspirational movies of all time for me. I constantly return to the wisdom of Gandhi conveyed in this movie.
American History X – One of the first movies that actually “changed my life.” The story of hate and redemption is tangible.
Schindler’s List / Hotel Rwanda- Okay, so I am cheating with two movies here. Schindler’s list reminds me of the depth of human depravity and Hotel Rwanda reminds me of our tendency we have to constantly hide from this depravity and deny its existence, even in the face of modern genocide.
Slumdog Millionaire – The only movie from the last couple years to make the list, and it is well deserving of the honor with its story of global struggles and individual perseverance.
Braveheart – The best battle epic of all time. Makes you cheer for the little guy.
Forest Gump – a social commentary framed through the eyes of an ordinary man.
Dumb and Dumber – While not nearly of the significance of the movies listed above, in my opinion, this is the best comedy of all time.
This is the third post in a series on the decision Beth and I have made concerning a long-term move to Africa. In the first post I detailed how the process started and in the second post I walked through the specifics of the nation we are strongly considering: Swaziland. This post will cover the whys and whats.
Most people are considerate enough to assume we have a reason for going there, so the most frequent question has been “What will you do there?” In fact, in one conversation I had with an Embassy employee, I was told after explaining our plans that “No one just comes to Swaziland.” Well, we are hoping that is hyperbole.
The most honest answer to the question of what will we do is quite simply “we don’t know yet.” It isn’t that we are planning on moving our family 9000 miles away with no plan, but instead, we don’t want to rush our decisions. We don’t want to align with an organization without first knowing the impact (positive or negative) they are having. We don’t want to commit to helping with AIDS victims if we would be better suited to work in the educational system. We don’t want to live in Manzini if we would be a better fit in the eastern plains. (you get the picture). So right now we are being very intention about our research. We are getting to know the groups currently there, and what opportunities may be there for us. We are speaking with both Americans and Swazi citizens about the needs and resources. We are investigating job opportunities in the public, private, government and non-governmental sectors. We are looking at faith-based and secular openings. Here are a few things we may consider:
I may apply for work at the University of Swaziland teaching Theology and Religion at the University of Swaziland.
Beth may try to work in the Ministry of Education to put her special education training to work.
We both may work in an orphanage working with orphaned and vulnerable children (OVC).
We may work with an NGO doing AIDS prevention and education.
I may work in the private sector doing web development while Beth volunteers in the community.
We may work as “missionaries” with any number of faith based groups in the country.
We may figure out these are not the opportunities / needs of the country and do something like sugar cane harvesting… who knows!
I realize that does not answer the “what” question, but I hope you understand our motives. I fear too many people decide what needs to be done without ever stepping foot in the country or assessing the impact of their decisions. That is why we are planning a trip there next summer to serve as the capstone of our state-side research.
Now, let me comment a bit on the why of our decision. The most straight-forward answer is this: we want to experience life outside the United States in a setting that forces us to reexamine our lives. (so yes, you could say our motivation is primarily selfish). Despite the fact Beth and I have spent the last 2-3 years trying to simplify our lives and work towards making the world a better place, it is so easy to get caught in the rat race of life and forget there are things larger than us. As Rob Bell as put it, “one of the greatest dangers of life is assuming our world is the world!” Put another way, it is easy to get caught up in things that don’t matter when most of the world is struggling to survive. (Let us not forget every day 30,000 children die of hunger of preventable diseases, while Americans alone throw away 25% of our edible food.)
I was reminded of this tonight while watching Schindler’s list. At the end of the movie, after the war has ended and the Jews have been freed, everyone there is greatful for the fact that Schindler has saved over 1,000 Jews and he can only weep and wonder about how much more he could have done. He breaks down when he realizes the gold pin he is wearing could have been used to save one additional life, or his car could have saved 10 more. He says “why did I keep the car…”
Here is the clip:
We have realized that the questions we ask, and the issues we care about are directly related to our surroundings. Our goal is not to go somewhere to “fix” things, but rather to be in a place where we are concerned with the things of more significance than what we eat or what we will wear.
The experiencing of living in a country life Swaziland is more than just something Beth and I want to go through. We want Mikayla’s formative years to occur in a society where the day to day struggles are litterally a matter of life and death, yet where community is something much deeper than who you hang out with when you are not holed up in a comfy suburban home with 1000 channels, a maid and a wardrobe of clothes you never where because they are out of style.
Will it be tough? I am sure it will be. Will we miss our friends and family? Absolutely? Will we regret it, or encounter problems beyond what we expected? Perhaps. But, do we feel this is something we must do? Without doubt.
As for a finish… we are looking at returning in 2019 or 2020. That would be the year Mikayla would start Middle school. Our rationale is this: we want her to get the best education possible so she can do whatever she wants with her life. At the same time, we want to return to the US, because we feel this nation has the resources — both financial and individual — to change the course of the world.
As you can tell, we still have a lot to figure out, but I am excited about the direction we are heading.
To wrap things up, I want to give you a few blog links of people who are in Swaziland:
A Hipster’s Adventures in Swaziland – a researcher on the Swazi judicial system – he does a good job at commenting on the “real world” in Swaziland.
Mfomfo’s Blog- regular commentary on the shortcomings of the Swazi government.
Swazi Secrets – Blog – Entrepreneurs who are trying to make a living selling nuts and oils
My tagline mentions faith, doubt, family and future (not sure where that “d” word came from). So far we have covered the first three, so what about the fourth… our future. Well here are the big plans Beth and I have been mulling over recently.
About a year ago Beth and I realized we had divergent life plans. It was not that my plans were different from hers; rather, it was that we were holding on to various life plans that could not all happen together. Were we going to commit to our community in Bowling Green? Where we going to spend time overseas? Was I going to pursue a Ph.D. and then teach in a university? Was Beth going to transition into special education and working with students with Autism?
After much thought, prayer, and discussion it was clear that the path we were most dedicated to was an extended period overseas; specifically, we wanted to experience life in Africa. We wanted to live 5-10 years in a developing country where we could raise Mikayla during her formative years. We began doing research and setting goals. We even went as far as creating a giant pro/con list of every country in the continent. We were looking for a country:
that is relative safe with no major civil conflicts
where english is at least a secondary language
where travel is cheap enough so it is possible to come back to the states or have people visit us
with a near temperate climate and varied terrain (okay… really we were just looking for a place that wasn’t a desert)
with a rich history and culture
where communities addressed societal issues together
It was not our goal to go somewhere to “fix” things, but rather to allow a different set of circumstances to expand our worldview and then work along side those there to bring about a better world for all.
Our search kept returning us to the small country of Swaziland (technically “The Kingdom of Swaziland” since it is the only remaining monarchy in Africa). This landlocked country is to the north-east of South Africa and is about the size of New Jersey with about the population of Kentucky’s 4 largest cities (Louisville, Lexington, Bowling Green and Owensboro). It has the third lowest life expectancy in the world due largely to the fact that it has the highest AIDS rate in the world. I will write a follow up post explaining more about Swaziland in the coming days and then another one explaining what we may do there, but until then you can read about the country here.
Our current plans are to travel there in 2010 to research jobs and organizations we may be able to work with, then in 2011 or 2012 make the big move. Mikayla will be 2 or 3 then and we expect to stay until she is ready for Middle School and then move back.
Of course all this is flexible. We decided it was better to have flexible goals that we could move towards rather than ambiguous goals that may never materialize.
For now, we are beginning to make contacts over there and have started looking into learning the second language of siswati, we are also researching organizations and institutions that we may be able to align ourselves with.
It has been a long time since something has really gotten my blood boiling, but at 1:00 in the morning while I waiting on videos to render I came across this video.
Let me give a disclaimer first. I have always approached Mark Driscoll with some hesitancy. Most of the time I don’t disagree with what he is saying, but I do question his delivery. To put it simply, I tend to put the emphasis different things.
That being said, this commentary on gender roles is completely out of line and personally offensive. In case you don’t know, I am currently a stay-at-home dad and this was a decision Beth and I did not take lightly, but are completely happy and at peace with the decision.
Okay, enough with the disclaimers — on to the video:
Lets start with delivery before we dive into the deeper points. I am convinced Mark thinks he is a better pastor if he drives people out of his church. He seems to take an arrogant pleasure in the fact that some of the stuff he is saying will piss people off and cause them to leave (by the way… this seems to be par for the course.) I am sure he would say he is sticking to his guns in the face of a fickle society. Don’t get me wrong, Christians need to be unwavering on some issues and refuse to compromise. However, even on issues that stand at the core of Christian belief, there is no need to enter the conversation by speaking down to those who hold opposing views. There is no room for discussion or clarification. For Driscoll, this is how it is and everyone else can go to hell. It is one thing if he takes this attitude on things like the divinity of Christ, but he is talking about stay-at-home dads here. If I remember correctly (and I too have read the whole Bible) there is no definitive passage addressing the evils of stay-at-home dadding, so we are all forced to interpret secondarily what the witness of scripture is.
Continuing with my critique of Driscoll’s tone, I must call him out for on some of the offensive things he said (and implies). First, I think it is clear that Driscoll thinks all stay-at-home dads are deadbeats. Forget his theological rational, his argument revolves around an assumption that it is not manly to stay at home. Furthermore, he basically says that men suck at nurturing. That may be the case for him, as he clearly admits, but lets not paint with too broad of a brush. His statements about men not being cut out for the job of staying at home relies on stereotypes, is short-sighted and is offensive to those who do a great job (may I point to my man Lee Fowlkes.) Furthermore, he builds his case on the assumption that women cannot adequately provide. These comments are not based on biblical exegesis, but on ignorance. If he wanted to make statements about the topic from a (conservative) biblical viewpoint he could have said something like “The bible outlines certain roles each gender should follow. To deviate from those is a sin.” Saying that would have been more biblically based without conveying arrogance, ignorance or hate. The bible does not give him the right to judge the effectiveness of males parenting/nurturing skills.
Now, on to his arguments. Driscoll bases most of his discussion his interpretation of 1 Timothy 5:8
If anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for his immediate family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.
He has taken the phrase “does not provide for his relatives” to mean the “a man should be the breadwinner.” But be careful here and go back and read the verse. Is it addressed to men? No! The verse says “anyone” who does not provide for his relatives… So a wife not providing is as bad as a husband. This is bolstered when you realize this whole segment of 1 Timothy is addressing how to care for widows. Paul addresses gender roles, but he doesn’t do it here. Even if you take traditional approach to Christian gender roles and insist on the male being the head of the household, you must admit scripture does not say the man must bring home the bacon.
Since Driscoll is a man who values “The Word” lets take a look at the word. In 1 Timothy the word for provide is pronoeoand has nothing to do with providing physically. Instead, it implies thinking ahead (pro=before) and planning. It is used 3 times in the NT and tends to carry an administrative nuance. So even if this did apply to directly and only to men (which it doesn’t), a first year seminary student could tell you the exegesis doesn’t allow for a reading that points primarily to providing physically. Driscoll says “if you are an able bodied man it is your job to provide for the needs of your family” and then he goes on to talk about work and material provision. Where is he getting this, because he sure didn’t get it out 1 Timothy. He is clearly reading what he wants to into the text. Even if we throw the greek (and context) out, we must admit that “providing for a family” is a multi-faceted thing. A father could provide all the money in the world, but if he is not taking his turn changing diapers, he is worse than an unbeliever (sarcasm intended). If anything, American fathers need to know that God calls them to provide holistically for their families. The last thing we need is more distant fathers.
“If our father is our basis for God, and our fathers abandoned us, then what does that tell you about God?” – Tyler Durden in Fight Club
Okay… lets look a bit deeper at how he chooses to answer the question. The question was “What are your thoughts on stay-at-home dads if the mother really wants / needs to work.” His answer reveals his convictions on gender roles. Not only does he speak out against men staying home while women work, he makes it clear he believes a woman’s place is at home.
Personally, if a woman wants that, I think its a great option. BUT… it is not the only option. Again, even if you go into a discussion of gender roles, we have to understand what scripture says and doesn’t say. It clearly does not say a woman should stay at home with the kids. Driscoll bashes the “culturally relevant” argument, but in doing so he neglects the social situation of the day. Thank God we have come a long way as a society and women now have choices and are not considered property. Lets not adopt an archaic social structure (i.e. slavery) just because scripture addresses that cultural circumstance. But again, that is not even relevant because scripture is silent on whether women should stay at home. But I digress… I want to return to affirm women who choose to stay at home. I think this is a much better option than paying someone else to raise your children. Likewise, if women do work, I think that is a perfectly fine model as well — as long as your family is being cared for.
Lets return to Driscoll’s argument and something his wife says: “”It is hard to respect a man who does not provide…we need to take the word seriously.” While I agree it would be hard to respect a man who does not care for his family, lets not forget “the word” does not use this phrase to address material, but actually care and foresight. She then quotes Titus and Paul’s words to this young missionary. Again, if we look at the context, Paul is giving some suggestions on what to teach to a new church. There is one phrase in chapter 2 that says “women should be busy at home.” Now… is there enough in those 6 words to base your entire post-marriage career path on? I think not. Can a woman (or man) be busy at home and have a job. Absolutely. Just ask my wife!
Lets end on a Driscolls closing. He says there is nothing in scripture that allows for this sort of family structure. First, I would also point out there is nothing in scripture that clearly lays out the structure he insists on (mother at home, dad bringing home the bacon). But more importantly, I would disagree with him. We do have a model of this. Check out Lydia in Acts 16:
Lydia’s Conversion in Philippi
11From Troas we put out to sea and sailed straight for Samothrace, and the next day on to Neapolis. 12From there we traveled to Philippi, a Roman colony and the leading city of that district of Macedonia. And we stayed there several days.
13On the Sabbath we went outside the city gate to the river, where we expected to find a place of prayer. We sat down and began to speak to the women who had gathered there. 14One of those listening was a woman named Lydia, a dealer in purple cloth from the city of Thyatira, who was a worshiper of God. The Lord opened her heart to respond to Paul’s message. 15When she and the members of her household were baptized, she invited us to her home. “If you consider me a believer in the Lord,” she said, “come and stay at my house.” And she persuaded us.
…
40After Paul and Silas came out of the prison, they went to Lydia’s house, where they met with the brothers and encouraged them. Then they left.
The text clearly shows a woman working outside the house. The household is identified by her name rather than her husband’s and she is in a prestigious business. I will grant a couple points: She was not a christian when described as working, it is possible her husband is dead / she is not married. However, what I find important here is that the text is neutral and does not paint Lydia’s work outside the home as a bad thing.
Lets get personal for a second. Beth and made the decision together for me to be a stay-at-home dad. We realized that we could provide for our family best if she worked and I stayed home. We are not giving into cultural trends, we are biblically asking how we can best provide and following through. Let me say this too. Beth is not working just so she can make the money to sustain the family. She is working because the job she has allowed for more ministry than anything I could get. Plus, it freed me up to engage in ministry of my own that I would not be able to do if I was working full time. Forget killing two birds with one stone, we just took out a flock of geese with a boulder: Beth can minister as a teacher, I can minister during the day, Mikayla is raised primarily by her parents, financially we can give more to charity and the church…. and the list goes on.
Driscoll’s conclusion to the question asked is very direct: unless there are extreme circumstances, it is outside God’s will for a man to be a stay-at-home dad. He even goes as far as saying such an action would require church discipline. Once again, I must ask… on what grounds? It is so frustrating to hear his pastor rail so heavily on the importance of the scripture, yet when you take even cursory glance at his arguments you realize his preconceived views are more heavily at play than the authority of scripture. We aren’t even discussing interpretation of difficult passages. Driscoll is ignoring the context and running with a flawed ideal.
This is not just about me getting my feelings hurt. This man is calling into question the career and family life of a significant number of godly people. Heaven forbid godly men and women abandon their life just because some pastor misreads (or ignores) the implications of Scripture. If Beth and I were to act on his advice and take up his model for a godly family, we would be living on less, giving less, Mikayla would have less time with her parents, Beth would leave a job she loves and I would have to take a job I hate, our opportunities for ministry would decrease and our stress would increase. Is that really the biblical ideal of providing for one’s family. I think not.
I would leave his church over statements like this (and perhaps that would only stoke his ego) because I think they are dangerous and ignorant.
Beth and I are not ignoring the call of God, we are embodying it. We are not clinging to culture and rejecting biblical truth, we are clinging to godliness and rejecting naivety and closemindedness.
Thankfully, after writing over 2000 words on the matter my blood pressure has returned to normal and maybe I can get some sleep.
*I found this video while searching for stay-at-home dad blogs. HT to athomedaddy.
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