Better to walk away?
This is more of a personal post than anything I have written yet, but I value this community as a forum and wanted to post my thoughts.
So I met with a mentor of mine the other day to discuss a variety of issues. As we were discussing my understanding of faith and the struggles I have worked through, I made the comment that during the one of the lowest times of my spiritual life, I came to a point where I either had to walk away from the faith, or come up with a new understanding of it. It was painful experience and for me, the theology of the emerging church and post-modernity offered the new lens that I needed. Rather than “finding faith” I found my beliefs shifted so that I could “keep my faith.”
Her response was, “Sometimes it is better to walk away.”
I understand her perspective – those leading the church should be firmly rooted and it is better to have a false teacher leave the church than to have one lead people away.
The problem comes when that person is you.
That is why I value these friendships so much. Emergent-BG has offered me a place to work through my own doubts and issues (and believe me there are many) without condemnation. At the same time, I hope it has served as an environment where others can explore faith paths even if they don’t prescribe to one.
All that is to say, thank you all for being a community where we each can work journey spiritually together.
Rather than “finding faith” I found my beliefs shifted so that I could “keep my faith.”
What had to shift?
Mostly my understanding of truth and how we are to understand God and Scripture and Salvation. I guess you could say the answers that used to satisfy me no longer worked.
Is the goal to understand God? I can’t imagine that I’m up for that. Is there really satisfaction to be had down that path? Not that it’s not worth thinking about if you are equipped and predisposed to do so. I remember reading about Kierkegaard and some others who had similar concerns. Doubt is part of it.
Maybe you have some wisdom to impart just by having wrestled with these ideas. I’m sure there is some part of Truth (with a capital T) to be discovered at times, but I think it’s probably only ever seen “through a glass, darkly”.
So let’s assume that you can never answer these questions and all really is vanity, then what? What are you left with?
For me, this is where Ecclesiastes earns respect as a critical component of the Bible.